I'm Carrie

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I knew it...I'm Carrie...hehe! But if I'm Carrie...where's Big??? where's the old artsy fartsy russian guy??? hehe!

Midweek Reflections

It's Wednesday, my favorite day of the week. I'm so relieved that the week will soon be ending. Well this week hasn't been really bad...as my students would describe it...it's so-so...hehe!

Today is D's birthday:( too bad we can't talk 'cause he's currently on a convoy...what a way to celebrate a birthday huh??? I just hope he comes home safely. It's funny...we've celebrated 6 birthdays apart from each other (how do you celebrate birthdays apart??? hehe!)...I'm hoping I'd get to celebrate my birthday this year with him...well perhaps a few days late but that would definitely be better than apart. I still don't know if it would push through...I wouldn't want to expect too much but I hope it'll push through.

I'm listening to Alanis Morisette's new edition of Jagged Little Pill...can't believe it has been ten years since she first released this album...gosh I feel so OLD! I'm feeling all nostalgic listening to these songs....it was 1995...I was a freshman in U.P...I can still remember myself hanging out with my college friends in front of the Wilfrido Guerrero Theater at AS (popularly known as Palma Hall)...Jerome mimicking Alanis' yodel while singing Head Over Feet...I remember stalking some BMOC's (who will remain nameless...hehe) and trying hard to score some brownie points from my crush by posing as an ever dependable friend who's always ready to listen to him as he rambles on about his brilliant ideas and his angst...haha! Life was so simple then*sighs*(naks!). I am so old...I've been on this earth for almost 3 decades now...it's weird how the numbers on my age tell me I'm growing old yet feel exactly the same as when I was 16...is this normal??? haha! Last weekend I saw a replay of MTV Pilipinas 2004 Awards Show and they gave a tribute to the Eraserheads*sighs* I got all sentimental after watching Barbie's Cradle, Paolo Santos, Jimmy Bondoc and Nyoy Volante perform Eheads' classics. Of course they weren't able to do them justice 'cause nobody will ever top the original Eheads but it was really nice hearing them honoring the anthems of my youth. Although, I was quite disappointed when Elly was the only one who received the award and what made it worse was that he didn't even acknowledge the other members of that band...sad huh? Grabe...mega reminisce daw ba ako??? Wala lang...I think I really am growing old...I'm collecting more and more memories to look back to...(intense!)

I think I should end here before I start singing "In My Life" haha!

ps: saw Rockstar:INXS this morning...I so want to be a rock star...hehe!!!

*WARNING* (lotsa whining)

I hate this feeling...this week started off really bad and it's about to end...still bad. Well nothing really bad happened...it's just a feeling...that feeling of being really down and helpless you actually don't know why. I know this doesn't sound good...some may be thinking im manic depressive and I badly need professional help...lol...but it's not like that(i hope...hehe).

I guess some things are pulling me down. Mostly thoughts...I ought to stop thinking too much...hehe! Been keeping myself busy with work but these thoughts still manage to creep into my system.

I think I should list down some of the things that seem to be pulling me down...this ought to help me pull myself up...

1. still have 11 days 'til pay day(hehe)
2. baby sis is worrying about meeting her boyp's parents...im worrying about a student of mine with whom i have a crush on (I'M SUCH A LOSER!!!)...I'm way tooooooo old to get crushes!!!!
3. another close friend of mine is leaving me:( (P's leaving for the states next month)
4. still can't figure out what i want to do with my life

*sighs* that somehow helped.

pardon me for being such a whino...i know it' ain't pretty...no wonder nobody reads this...hehe!

Down

I feel weird:( Nothing bad has happened today but I just suddenly felt really down. Looks like it's time for me to get professional help...hehe!

Perhaps one reason why I suddenly felt depressed was because our secretary told me about one of her church mates who just lost her husband. Her husband was mercilessly murdered last Monday. Two motorcycles and a car cornered them somewhere in Marikina just shot several times at their van...her husband covered her and took all the bullets that might have hit her...he was only 33. Sheesh just thinking about it to write about it is making me really sad. I know God's way is perfect and His plans are for our good but there are times when you cannot understand why terrible things happen to perfectly nice people. The man who was murdered was the pastor of Victory's kid's church...his wife is in the worship ministry...they've only been married for 8 years and their daughter is only 4 years old...why do terrible things happen to people who are doing nothing but try and live lives according to God's will. I am not doubting God's grace and mercy...I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with the reality of life.

Life is short...this may be good or bad news to some...hehe...but for me it's a challenge. This realization challenges me to live my life to the fullest. I gotta learn how to make the most out of what I have in my life...I need to laugh...cry...sing...dance...read...love...just grab any opportunity I can to try something that will enrich my life. There is no room for fear and paralysis in this life...I need to learn how to live...which means I should stop moping and start workin...hehe...I'm having a class in 5 minutes.

I want chocolates!!!

Saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with my cousins, sister and her kids today...now I'm craving for a big scrumptious chocolate bar...hehe!

The movie was really entertaining...the oompa loompas were hilarious. I especially love their "improvised (as Willy Wonka would describe it)" song and dance numbers...haha! I must admit that the story was a bit dark considering that it portrays Willy Wonka as a disturbed Chocolateure who developed intense passion for candies because he was deprived of it when he was a kid by his father who happened to be a dentist. As a result, he turned into an emotionally retarded, socially challenged, rich businessman who dresses and sounds a bit like Michael Jackson...haha! Johnny Depp is just so good playing these weird characters.(still craving for chocolates) It's not really a kids' film...it's more entertaining to adults...or adults who still act like kids(kinda like me...haha!)

I'm weird...I'm actually looking forward to going to work...haha! I wonder why???

This song is sooooooo beautiful...wish ko lang may kumanta sa 'kin nito (kapal!)

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won't lose no sleep on that,

'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful,

it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment

that will last till the end.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful,

it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful,

it's true.There must be an angel

with a smile on her face,

When she thought up

that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

muni muni

(started writing this on a Wednesday...finished it the following day...hehe)

It's wednesday...my favorite day of the week...yey!!!

My day has been uneventful but it's ok...I feel good 'cause I'm wearing my favorite red shirt, my corduroy skirt, my ultra hip black sandals and my erap beaded wrist band...haha...mic na lang pwede na ako mgrock concert...haha!!!(babaw!)

Pardon me for my melodramatic entry yesterday. Looks like my "woe is me" mode didn't last very long 'cause after whining about how pathetic my writing is, I find myself writing an entry again. 'Guess should stop writing to please other people...I write to please myself (that doesn't sound very nice...haha!).

This afternoon while I was trying to look busy at work I came across this online library...got to browse through some of the books that I was supposed to have read in college...haha...and one of my favorite books that I didn't get to completely read when I was in college was James Joyce's The Dubliners. It's a collection of short stories set in...well obviously...Dublin..haha! What I find interesting about this book is that all the short stories run along the same theme which is "paralysis".For some strange and morbid reason I have always found this theme fascinating...even romantic...so this afternoon I re-read two of the the short stories from this book, Eveline and Araby. For those who took Humanities 1 in U.P and owns a copy of the book Prism, Araby would be a familiar story, Eveline on the other hand is less popular. It is a tragic story of a woman who chose to stay in her miserable situation despite being given an opportunity to escape and live a happy life with the man who loved her. Why am I talking about these stories...well somehow I know how these sad characters felt in these stories. I'm not saying that I am paralyzed living a miserable life and I badly need an escape...it's just that there are times when I find myself wanting to break free and fly...but I end up being paralyzed with fear of the unknown...so I just decide to stay in the nest.

At 26, there are a lot of things that I should've already experienced or gone through...people my age(or even younger) around me are going places...taking on important jobs...starting families...living independently...partying and enjoying life while I remain in this safe haven of mine...well not that I'm complaining...I'm thankful that God hasn't placed me in a really uncomfortable situation 'cause nothing beats the comfort I have in here but I guess the problem is that it's too comfortable. When I hear about how the people around me, like my sister or my friends, experience all these "exciting" things like traveling...or living on their own...falling in love...or even having their hearts broken...getting a promotion...pursuing graduate studies...getting married and having babies, I start looking at myself and wonder...should I be experiencing all these things too??? I feel like a retard at 26...haha! I know God has everything planned and everything will happen in His perfect time...but I'm just a bit worried...could it be that God is already calling on me to leave the nest and fly but not hear it...or I could even be resisting it??? How do I know when to jump? If I jump will I already have what it takes for me to not fall flat on my face?

pity party

I know I'm not supposed to do this but I've been snooping around some of my sister's friends' blogs and I realized how pathetic I am when it comes to writing. They talk about all their brilliant ideas and insightful observations of things...using all these big and intelligent words...and I feel so small and unimportant. I know blogging is not supposed to be competitive...people don't write on their diaries just so they can compare themselves with other diarists and prove who's the better writer but I don't know...reading the blogs of these intelligent people make me wanna stop writing:( Oh here I go again...having a pity party...would anybody wanna join??? haha!

My Koreanization

I've officially been Koreanized...haha!!! Last night I watched this korean film in WOWOW (really cool japanese movie channel)...it's title is Tae Guk Gi (Brotherhood of War)well the film was in Korean and it had Japanese subtitles and I still watched...haha...I actually cried my eyes out watching it...I can't imagine what may have happened to me if I actually understood what they were saying...haha!

The movie is about this two brothers who accidentally was forced to fight in the war (the Korean War in the 1950's)...while their family was preparing to travel south to escape the war the younger brother was forced by the soldiers to board the train carrying men who will be fighting for South Korea...the older brother, in the hopes of saving his younger brother boarded the train but was unsuccessful and ended up fighting in the war with his younger brother. The movie was really touching 'cause it showed how the older brother never left the younger brother's side even when they were fighting with the enemies....he even volunteered to join sucide missions just so the officers would release his younger brother and go home to their mother...to cut the story short...in the end the older brother became successful in making sure that his younger brother would go home to their mother safely but like most war films it ended in tragedy....he had to sacrifice himself to save his brother...so cliche but heck it worked for me...it made me cry 'til my head hurt...hehe! The film was really cool...it's cinematography was soooooooooooo rich...no wonder it got nominated in the Oscars for Best Foreign Film...I wonder...why we can't make films like that here in the Philippines???

Another sign of my Koreanization is how I now include Arirang channel among the t.v channels I surf through while watching T.V...haha! I especially enjoy the game shows and the talent shows at Arirang...I also love their features on their new films...I'm really impressed with how they are bold enough to make movies that are their own...they don't aspire to copy what they do in hollywood...they use their rich culture and history and are able to produce world class quality films. I really wish we can make films like they do in Korea.

Guess what we Filipinos can learn from the Koreans is how we should love ourselves first before we ask others to love us. One of my colleagues students shared his observation of us Filipinos...he said that Filipinos seem to be ashamed of the Philippines and of being Filipinos...we often look at our country and always see the bad things...according to the student...it will be impossible for our country to progress and develop into a powerful country if its own people would keep on pulling it down. I know it's very easy to say these things and still do nothing about it...but I wish the whole country is listening to me right now...haha...kapal no? feeling bayani...mukhang kelangan ko na matulog...hehe!

One thing I really like about my job right now is how it gives me a wider perspective of things...talking to people who are coming from an entirely different background is teaching me a lot of things...it's funny...it looks like the Koreans have taught me how to love the Philippines.

lazy friday evening

I'm so freakin sleepy...I wanna be in bed and just sleep! Still have 3 hours left...I hope all my remaining students are absent...hehe!

It's gonna be a hectic Saturday for me tomorrow...Sunday would be Youth Sunday so we'll be preparing for it tomorrow. I'm not complaining...hehe...I'm actually looking forward to leading the praise and worship with Gerome (one of my kids in church)...it's gonna be his first time...I'm so excited for him...hehe...he must be dying of fear...haha! Seriously, I would really like to see the day when these kids of mine would have courage enough to stand in front and serve in church...I know God is preparing them for the future...can't wait to see how God would move in their lives:)

I'm in a dazed and confused state. (stood up to borrow a cd to listen to...currently listening to an emo compilation...hehe...very appropriate for my mood...hehe!) How many times should we give people another chance to make up (or even just cleaning up) for the mess they made in our lives? Intense huh? haha! I had a realization the other night...I just gave in again to somebody who has hurt me a great number of times in the past...I'm so freakin stupid! Am I stupid to fall into the same trap again? Well ok...I'm not sure whether this would be another dead end street again 'cause he begged me to believe that things would be different this time...but can't help but think negative. Should I trust this guy again???